Originally published 4/15/16
It's 3 a.m. and I have been awoken again by all the worries of the day.
Why doesn't Isabel want to go to church?
How am I going to negotiate with software developers today?
When am I going to make pumpkin muffins for this weekend's women's retreat?
Where are we going to find new clients?
Why am I so tired, yet I can't sleep?
Stop worrying, I tell myself. My mom says, there's nothing you can do about any of those things at 3 a.m., so don't lie awake worrying about it. Michael thinks I'm ridiculous, worrying about things in the middle of the night.
The past 10 days or so have been plagued with anxiety and worry at 3 a.m.
So tonight I'm wondering, where is God in this? Is this God, waking me up, spurring me to do something, this, write, that I really want to do? Is he giving me more hours in the day?
Where is God, daily? How do we, ordinary people not in seminary, find him on a regular basis?
Is this my time to spend with him, at 3 a.m.? Or can I see him during regular business hours?
I may be enrolled in my own seminary, of sorts. Michael is lucky enough to have professors and priests guide him as he looks for God, and he gets to sit in the library and contemplate him. I don't think I'm cut out to look for God that much, otherwise I'd be the one in seminary. But I would like to know where he is, on a daily basis, and, especially, at 3 a.m.
Is that you, God, waking me up? Maybe I'm just blaming my anxiety on you. That would be easy. But I would like to give it to you.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.“ So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today. Matthew 6:30-34
That verse is so funny, because I literally worry about what I'm going to wear, and what I'm going to eat. Michael thinks that's ridiculous, too, but he has no idea how much planning it takes to get a homemade, locally sourced meal on the table! Does that mean I have little faith? Michael is on the Holy Mountain, thinking about God, which, by the way, he can do because I'm fighting traffic on Woodruff Road and negotiating with developers and working with employees and worrying about clients. How can I work on my faith while trying to stay alive on Woodruff Road? And, as the priest's wife, how can I be of little faith? I mean, that's just embarrassing, isn't it? Is this the time to do it? At 3 a.m.? Is that when I can do it? And how do I not worry about tomorrow? That's a lot of questions, I know, which I will work on answering in the next few weeks. If you have any thoughts on where God is, please let me know. If he wakes you up in the night, let me know. Or if you just deal with him during regular business hours, I'd like to know how you accomplish that. It's the end of the day now, as I finish this post, and I survived it. Isabel is settled (as settled as a 16-year-old girl can be), the software is negotiated, the muffins are baked and the week's business is finished. I'm looking forward to a women's retreat this weekend (note: not worried about it) and then will worry about the work week when it starts up, though I know my calendar already has notes of what I am to do. I will do it then. For now, I thank God for Renee's birthday we celebrated tonight, and the four-layer cake that Mom made for it. I will not worry about how many calories that cake contained, or how it will affect me - tomorrow.
Renee, my sister-in-law, and the cake Mom made. She's hiding behind a larger Gerber daisy, a birthday gift.
Comments